They seem to tack on $100k for every diminutive in your title at the hack academy of UMass

In the bloated bureaucracy that is the University of Massachusetts, all the $300,000-a-year paper-shufflers are not only overly entitled, they are overly titled.

In the Army, an enlistee goes in as a private. You work your way up, to private first class, then corporal and so on.

If you look at ZooMass’s current payrolls, it becomes clear that their equivalent of a buck private is a “chancellor.”

On the campuses, chancellors of one form or another seem to very nearly outnumber janitors, groundskeepers or campus cops, and most certainly classroom instructors.

You’ve got your chancellors, vice chancellors, associate vice chancellors, senior vice chancellors, associate chancellors, assistant chancellors, assistant vice chancellors, etc.

Does anyone know the pecking order of all these rear-echelon eggheads? Which chancellor outranks the other?

Salaries aren’t based solely on your chancellorship, or chancellorhood, or whatever the International Brotherhood of Chancellors is calling itself, because in most cases the associate chancellor is grabbing more dough than the assistant chancellor.

But then I came across one Jody Goodell, an assistant vice chancellor — the UMass equivalent of a non-commissioned officer — making $254,901. That is more than at least two “associate vice chancellors” who are scrimping by on a mere $250K per annum.

We’ve all heard of grade inflation in higher ed. Who knew how out of control job-description inflation has gotten?

When I worked at Boston City Hall way back when, it was teeming with hacks. But Mayor Kevin White only had a couple of job descriptions for most of his payroll patriots.

If you were a “senior administrative assistant,” that meant you were one of his 200-plus precinct captains.

If you were a “deputy superintendent,” you were one of the 22 ward bosses — coordinators, as they were called.

The precinct captains answered to the ward bosses, both during elections and on those rare occasions when they showed up at Government Center. Usually on pay day, in that pre-direct deposit era.

Not showing up for work is one thing that hasn’t changed. Only now it’s…COVID, don’t you know.

At UMass, by their diminutives ye shall know them. Every puffed-up title must be modified by, say, associate, assistant, deputy, senior or even, in one case “chief.” (I’m sure that will be changed.)

The more diminutives in your title, the higher up you are on the… I can’t say totem pole anymore, can I?

For instance, consider one Patti Onorato. She used to be the associate vice chancellor for $269,610 a year, according to the state comptroller.

Then in 2019 Patti got a promotion, from two diminutives to three — “deputy executive vice chancellor of operations.”

Her pay is now $348,925 a year.

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